I have decided to go ten years back when I was truly nuts. Obsessed with my hair, long thick and dark. I had troubles with it, plucking it out eating the tips. Plastering cadavers of uneaten hair follicles all over the bathroom mirror. My parents and I did not get along, it was mostly my mother but who didn’t have problems with their parents? Get on meds, you need to get on meds, you will never succeed unless you are on medication Christina, it just won’t work. Twisting and pulling my hair until bald patches the size of rain puddles appeared on my scalp. Cover it back and forth hair spray, hats, headbands. Finally I reached my breaking point after my street kid boyfriend broke my heart. It was the, ” Sorry Kid, I really like Tanya.” That broke me. He fucked me two hours before then he leaves me like that? What the fuck. Maybe the pressure of being normal got to me, spoke to my subconsciousness lying to my heart. All I knew how good it felt to press down, how powerful I was in the kingdom of my lonely place. Blood seeped out my wounds like a goddess forming rivers in the world she created for the very first time. That knife was like two feathers forming a bond with my insanity. Slowly the ground beneath me became very wet and sticky. I scooped up handfuls of the blood slathered it all over my head turning from side to side looking serious. If only my street kid boyfriend could see me now. Even if he could why the hell would he care? I was dying and he had Tanya. Hilary was in the bathroom so I took a shit in a cup and washed it out in the sink laughed and grabbed the knife. My head was shaved and dirty with tea bag bits when the cops came with their pet paramedics. So dramatic, get on meds Christina you need the Lord in your life. We did this and we did that, they pumped blood they asked questions they annoyed the fuck out me they wouldn’t let me go until I told them what they wanted to hear. Absolutely nothing. It was a setback a mere waste, wasteful now that was something I was good at.

What kind of medication have you been on before?
Zonax proloft, Kiss this don’t use your teeth
Darling, darling you just need to relax
Try not be cryptic
It’s not the lions in the mountains you need to be frightened of
it’s the people next to you drinking cheap beer
they ask questions like why should I allow you to date my friend?
they laugh behind their hands, make believe fake pasts relate to something they saw on MTV

Ten years ago I couldn’t hold a cigarette without blushing. I couldn’t swallow without spitting. I spun while dancing with Slutfox breast fed a kitten changing religions. Shaving my head with my congealed blood was a turning point in my life. If I could do that then I could do anything. Six years ago I slept in the arms of really fat men while they fucked me between the legs clenching my toes tears streaming down my face grasping broken blades in my hands. Decorate my body like a white trash Christmas. Six hours before it was one beer then three then a shot then a smoke break spend sixty bucks listening to music. It is hard to drink to shitty music. It is hard to drink anyways, tastes like shit but the pain is to great and there is no such place as your local cutting bar. Wouldn’t it be nice? A cozy little dive bar, instead of beer kegs a box of razors, freshly washed broken glass two for 2.50. With that you get a small towel, a travel size bottle of rubbing alcohol. If they had those, I would finally have my cheers. Cheers. Seven years before that it was throwing chairs at teachers, ripping off blouses in parking lot bushes, sucking a black guys dick in a school bus. It doesn’t seem too intense.. Though his friend was stuffing my ass with his cock and this was all at Vacation Bible School. I had asked the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart sixteen times before the age of sixteen. When I was little I was really little the size of a two year old when I was five. They figured they meaning my Mother her friends the pastor the lady at the grocery store the doctors my therapist.. I had a therapist at five. His name was Dr. Golden, a Jew with silver glasses red hair and thick fingers. Be a good girl tell the doctor all of your problems.. he will help you of course he likes you no you can’t stay with me Go with the nice Doctor Man. Blur carpet running through doors, where is my Mother hands grabbing my neck pulling me back into rooms with cold chairs and blocks of apples. Fix this and maybe if we are lucky we can fix you. I told lies to get out of rooms to get out here to become big. The first big lie I ever told was at camp in the sixth grade. Nobody liked me, no one ever did so to make them like me. I told them my parents hung me in a closet starved me. After the first lie came the second and I told everyone that my parents beat me. All the older girls hugged me and rubbed my back it was my first brush with lesbianism. There was a water park and everyone coddled me on the water slide, no you go first no you go first no I can’t swim here we will hold you. I had a crush on a boy named Zeke who kissed me in the dark after he found what my parents “did” to me. It was all perfect, I became a Vegan the most popular girl all because my parents “beat” and “starved” me. Then it was over as soon as the school bus pulled into the school parking lot, lots of blue flashing lights.

Why would you do this to us? didn’t Dr Golden teach you anything? I cried and stopped eating. There were talks at school big people in little meetings, my parents wouldn’t speak to me at dinner, my dad shut himself in the garage smoking something we soon found at later that my dad liked to smoke crack. Which reminds me of the first time I smoked crack, I had just met my first junkie the first out of many. His name was Jack and he had a friend who asked me I my tits tasted like ketchup. It was right after my parents divorced after my Dad started smoking crack again. We moved out our old house and into this apartment complex down the hill. We put down Monroe our dog, I fed him chocolate moon pies for his last meal. I wished I could have smoked my dad’s crack with my dad’s dog before we put my dad’s dog down when my dad was out smoking crack. I ran away to the city met Jack at a bus stop and he took me to his room at a clean and sober drug house where drugs were quite plentiful. He did his heroin and I fed butterflies their maggots. Two days later we parted ways and I still remember his smile. It was the shape of his mouth, a sun dried tomato, a smashed kumquat, a junkie flexing in candy land. The crack was smoked in a white van driven by Santa Claus dressed up as a red neck serial killer..I sucked him off one more and I have to go one more and I have to go One more and I hAve TO GO THIS WAY WHAT WAY THAT WAY. It was such a long time ago, there are many black areas. I do remember an Australian truck driver a candle light vigil for drug addicts with a stick of incense. It was my first trick the coarseness of the night hallow as hollow, shallow water drowning in a lake of holidays re-winded. The story in my head probably doesn’t make a ton of sense out of my head it’s hard to make a story out. I know there were many Christmas cookies and sex in churches threesomes at Natalie Portman movies. Crack smoking, dick sucking pussy fucking, Horseback riding singing worship songs happy childhood things that happy children do from afar.