those pretty walls


I don’t want to talk about it, the rape
it happened let it die
but you must talk about it, let it heal
heal?
I have to relive it so I can heal?
How does that make any sense?

All I remember is an earthquake on my way to therapy
there was a red light then a green
yellow never came, the ground rumbled
I threw up in my mouth, nervous not because of the appointment
it was the long drive, silence with my mother
telling me about the meetings at school
the meetings about me, my mental instability, the running away
to the park, to hang out with the bums who knew more
of life than some special ed English teacher

I think we had a fight, my mother and I
about something stupid like walking me in for my appointment
so I hopped out of the car and ran down the street
three blocks away from the therapists office

It was Autumn when my life changed, when I bled a different color
when my breasts became fuller when I became dead
I walked down the street and I saw them, two men
sitting there by a stone smoking
they were dark, exciting older and sexual
though what was sex? an act I was sure of

They asked me questions like where do you live?
Why do white girls dress they way they do?
does your daddy know where you are?
I wanted to be sexy like a movie star
the ones who ended up dead in baskets of flowers
alive with white hands asking for forgiveness

I don’t know what I wanted, I can’t remember
all I know is what happened is something I never could
have wanted for me
it was slow, it might have been fast, it hurt I saw red and dirt
forceful, painful, was it love? It couldn’t have been
rocks mixed in with tears, the sky was blue, people were laughing
at me? could they see me doing this?
i hit my head, he kept going calling me baby
was I beautiful? where did my mouth fall?
was it where my heart was? lost in stone on 92nd street?
it didn’t matter anymore, i cried as he helped me up
brushed me off patted me on the head
good girl
run home now, I hear your mother calling
he laughed his friend reached his hand out, sticky sweaty
his pants wet, my face wet
the sky blue
blue like the hospital walls
those pretty walls

those walls those walls they were red now blue
those walls keeping the demons in
i crawled i screamed i threw some fits
i laughed i shrieked, smiled a bit
those walls those walls, they went on down
through memories of childhood towns
rainbows, rainbows unicorns
blood on arms school in morn

It was all over, the sky was still blue
I desperately wanted it to be black, i had been leaking
for the last hour, ants in my pores, maggots in my vagina
people were gone, it seemed quiet, it seemed full of life
hollow as a tree a victim of a fire
where was my prince?
world doth have given fucked up deal here?
my clothes were ragged, my shoes gone down the hill to the sewer
maybe they would find God down the drain
I had never looked down the drain before
never really occurred to me that perhaps the sewer was where God was all along

I just left, gasping big drops mixed with mud streaking cement,
grass died under my soles, ants carried from all over bits of flesh
for my first dinner as a woman
I had the knowledge of the lost world, the world behind closed minds
my mother’s car was nowhere to be seen, perhaps I had been kidnapped by fairies?
those men weren’t the devil but two strapping fairy sex slaves
who had fucked me for thirty minutes but really it had been nine thousand years
how could I find humor? It was easy, the sun was shining, it was a beautiful day

beautiful days, so few twenty lovely days
all alone this green gray, i love you today
sweet pretty days, so little time to play
all alone this plum gray, i miss you today

i walked down the cement crying at strangers, please help me i whispered
they whispered back with indifference, shrugged shoulders played games on phones
three people, six people then no people not until the bus came that one bus
i walked up to the doors as they opened, people poured out
they seemed more dead that I had seemed
then there my prince was, my prince was a harried business man on his way to die
i looked up as he looked up from paying
he rushed down it seemed, was it he wanted to help me
me, who was that, oh, back there behind the alley
in that spot of dog shit and pencil shavings
he stopped on the bottom stair grabbed my chin with a surprisingly soft hand
peered into my eyes and asked me if I was the girl that needed help before five pm
he had a dream he said last night of a child needing his help, i looked the part
it was almost dark so I must have been her
the next thing I remember was him carrying me down the street back to my therapy
though it all ended with a phone call to the cops, the ambulances the hospital
before however the medics, were the police, my angel was talking with me about cats
little fluffy orange cats
A man in white with a hat on his head came to me
asked me my name
I looked back over and my angel was gone

OH, Those crazy strangely times when you were once a was
upon a time, when me was us, together just me and I and you
that time when the sky was blue

it was months later that I tried to kill myself, swallowed fifty eight pills
all different kinds out of the cabinet, sleeping pills, heart disease pills
i drew lines in red lipstick over my vagina
my mouth was red my thighs were stained with rouge
i told my parents what I did, they called police the ambulance came
even now the thought of it is still very awkward
i went
they pumped my stomach, I saw little men on the walls
they made me feel worse, they think they saved my life
took me to Children’s wheeled me back, gave me a bed
i fell asleep
the first long slumber i had in almost three months

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