The walls were made completely out of Peacock feathers. Wonderland Asylum was indeed a fascinating place. It was somewhere I’d never want to go again but they had good cheese dip. My crime was loitering in front of the Queen’s haberdasher. I was just standing there in the standard way. Minding my own business carrying a gun a pry bar and a sledgehammer. For some reason, as soon as I told the clerk at the haberdashery to give me all the loot or I’d make her dead. There was suddenly much shouting and to do. The next thing I knew the Queen screamed ” Off to the Looney bin!”
The Guard ducks quacked among themselves as they threw me on the floor and gagged me with fresh kitten glitter. I was maced and tased.. They tossed me into a big white van that had a disco ball. The mean old platypus driving the van wasn’t so much driving per say but was pointing the vehicle in an unknown direction while crocheting a hookah cozy for the caterpillar.
The platypus started the engine with his teeth and drove for what seemed to be thirty three minutes. We stopped once to buy an apple from a little old lady on the road. The Salamander that bought the apple took a bite had a grand mal seizure and died frothing in the passenger seat. The platypus kicked his corpse out at the stop sign in front of the elementary school.
When we arrived at Wonderland, I was greeted by a sight far from what I had imagined. Instead of the Gothic gargoyle drenched chamber of horrors before me stood a building of iridescent absurdities.
I was a bit embarrassed to get out of the van since I was dressed in a wedding dress covered in some poor bastards blood. But as I was hog tied and gagged, I didn’t really have much of a choice. So when the platypus dragged me out of the van I flopped like fish to make my experience a bit more exciting. I flopped so hard that I bumped my head and woke up in the Tea Party Medical Ward.
I was woken up to be given my pills which looked suspiciously like a cherry gummi bear and an everlasting gobstopper by a six foot Teddy Bear in thigh high black stiletto boots.
The bear was a nurse. Frau Malice. She couldn’t speak but she sure knew how to talk shit in sign language. I could understand of course what she was saying with her fuzzy hands because of all those classes at the community college. The acid bender I went through sure helped me lose my virginity to Claudia but that’s a different story.
My first trip to the day room was also the first time I met Irwin. He was the first invisible person that I had ever seen. Irwin was wearing a paper bag smock that he decorated in red anarchist sharpie sayings such as, ” More Cheese Dip” or ” Free the Llamas”.
Irwin had committed a horrible crime of misjudgment. He had accidentally ran over a family of three blind mice crossing the road to buy a chicken.
Also in the day room was Rupert. Rupert thought that he was a llama but it was quite clear to everybody else that he was an alpaca.
Claud whose job was to perform a punching joodie show with his myriad of puppies. The puppies were war criminals hiding in the one place they knew they wouldn’t be found.
Boleyn used to be somebody. She swore up and down jumped all around and turned herself about. Her crime was not producing a male heir. She had this fixed idea that she used to be a Queen of some far off place. Irwin said that Boleyn was all in my head. That I was crazier than I had never actually thought. I had to agree with him after all he was invisible.